Kl123 I have read your entire story. Now that you ended up with miscarriage is really sorrowfull experience however what I have observed from your case is that your husband has no mother he needs someone to give him as love and affection selflessly as his mother would. He is expecting all these from you from the very beginning as he is younger than you and you are his relative too. You saw his reaction when he did not find his favorite meal i.e he remained out of his house all night long. What was the reason because he expected you to take into accounthis preferences.You should act as he pleases. One other point, I sense a smell of superiority complex from your posts which is the main cause behind the story.Humility and humbleness is the only solution to your cause mind you! Now that your husband is regreting and apologizes, you have to let it go. Just forgive him and let him realize as if nothing has happened. If he has realized what he was doing was wrong then just go with him to home and start to give him every sincer care and love even if he is indifferent to it. One day you will see that he will be all yours. Just go with him and forgive him as if nothing has happened now.
ab wo mera khyal achy sy rakhty hai meri koi baat talty nhi or khany ma jo kuch bi ho wo kha lety ha mashallah namazain bi parhty ha puri or quran bi parhty hai. beshak Allah ki ebadat sy insan ki zindagi pursakoon hoti ha...
Ma'am, I chanced upon this thread. I have read your posts and valuable members' replies. I am sorry to hear about the harrowing experience you both had to bear, may Allah grant His Mercy, Sabr, Barkaat and Noor on your lives. I am happy to hear that you both are going along fine.
Also, it takes a lot of courage to discuss your issues with others, so please accept my appreciation in this regard.
From what I have been able to tell, you are Masha'Allah an intelligent and educated couple. You admired your husband's beauty, which is a great sign of your loving heart. Moreover, when your husband asked for your forgiveness in front of your family, this represented his good nature and affection towards to you along with his remorse.
A few things I would like to share:
1. By virtue of your family environment and upbringing; exposure to higher education; experience in dealing with others (since you are older) and nature, your thinking may be different than your husband's. Since he is younger and often some boys develop maturity later (than their female counterparts), his thinking and attitude might be because of his experiences so far. He has not much practical experience of dealing with people in corporate world; he has not much to focus on earning towards his sustenance and living; his circle of friends in university may not be that diverse and as others have pointed out that lack of a female touch may have affected him as well.
These all factors may have developed his personality and if he had been living alone for so long, a sudden inclusion of a female may have thrown him off guard and his response was that of a person not knowing what to do. However, kudos to you that you have given your best to manage this situation (I am sure you gave 100%).
2. Communication is the key, whatever happened in the past, open up to each other now. Maybe you could try by asking him how his day went? What he likes and dislikes about his professors (I am sure there are a lot)? His views on his subjects, friends? Move on towards other topics. Similarly, share your thoughts as well. When you have listened to him and he is more open to you, share your thoughts. Maybe, you could find common areas for discussion! I am not sure about you reading his diary and going through laptop/mobile; if you trust him maybe wait before you have developed a bond.
You have an edge over him in the sense that you have passed the stages he is going through. How about probing him to find what his 'talking buttons' are? If he has a presentation to make, maybe you could guide him.
Communication is a two-way thing. Once he has opened up to you, tell him about you. Do not hold back! Discuss everything with him! have a good-hearted discussion with him! Go for walks or outings maybe cook something together. You must open yourself as well.
Ask him what he likes in you, tell him what you like about him etc. I hope you get the picture. A good wife often gives suggestions to husband in such subtle way that husband thinks that it was his idea initially (Hope you get the joke and point).
3. Please note that men often find it 'insulting' if they are looked down in anyway. Finances, Beauty, Power etc. They often have a (sometimes misguided) notion of superiority. Do not be alarmed by this! This is how men are created! Use this to your advantage! If he is trying to find a job, never never suggest to him that you may seek assistance from your brothers and father. You, of course, may seek help but very very indirectly and in a nonchalant way. Moreover, you can use your husband's ego to get things you want done. From personal experiences, often men do not want to admit that they were wrong or are weak, but your husband did and it shows that he has a good character and courage.
I request that you compromise to some extent initially but when you have developed a bond, you may share what your own views are. Humility goes two ways always. You both are equal but you may be wrong sometimes, and other times he may be. Both of you are humans!
4. Live a healthy life, exercise regularly together if possible. Go outside, party! but please remain within your husband's budget. Read up on living a good physical and emotional life. Consult doctors regularly. Please ask your husband to do the same! Noor clinic has excellent resources on having a great sexual life, both of you should read it together! Show him what you want him to do, ask him to focus on foreplay, if he is embarrassed about pre-mature ejaculation than make him feel good about it. When he is experienced enough, you could actually lead the way and dictate what you want in bed. Sex is 90% emotional, so please become emotionally happy first!
Masha ‘Allah you both are practicing Muslims, please remain steadfast on this course. If possible, do an online Islamic course together. Nouman Ali Khan and Tariq Jamil sb's lectures are great for listening for couples!
5. I am not sure how to put it but if you can show yourself to be what others have called "shokh aur chalchal", your husband may like it. He is young and today's constant exposure of media and internet may have affected him. Ask him what type of girl he wants you to be. Than tell him what type of boy you want him to be! Maybe you could tease him to have his beard styled like Fawad Khan's! or maybe he liked a dress that he would love on you. You are beautiful, never let your self-esteem be low. Beauty lies in the eyes of beholder. IA, he will find you the most beautiful girl in the world. Just some suggestions (I know it may sound ajeeb from a Male and you may be doing them already): always remain as pretty as you can be and expect (and tell) from your husband to be the same. Remain clean, wear good clothes, use a scent you like and gift him maybe, exercise.
Meri behan, Allah aapko Jaza day. Marriage is tough but if effort is put in, it will succeed IA. Whatever the case, never lose hope in Allah. My prayers are with you. In few years’ time, you both will become emotional bedrock for each other IA.